I’m So Vain

No Telling
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.
(Clairee from Steel Magnolias)

Well, this should be interesting. I had a little surgery (nothing serious) to smooth out my lumpy head. Fifty stitches later, my head has been slap-dash shaved and I look like a cur dog with the mange. That’s nothing. When Tina sees this, I’m pretty sure she’ll go after the surgeon with a pair of clippers set on zero.

I’m hiding out for now wearing various loud scrub caps, but in a couple of weeks I’ll be back in the classroom looking like this. It’s time for some creative solutions. Unless anyone out there has another alternative, it looks like I’m sentenced to hats or fake hair for at least four months. Lindsay Lohan will be back on the street and re-incarcerated before I can use a teasing comb again.

I know this is whiny, but hair is a Big Deal here in the South. This is mysterious and (for some reason) irritating to Those Who Aren’t From Around Here, especially the academics I share the halls with. It’s as if big hair and intelligence were an either/or proposition. Well-educated Southern women find this amusing, because we’ve always known that real power down here requires both. Just ask Blanche Lincoln whose local senatorial approval ratings rise and fall with the flick of a teasing comb.

For now, I’m in loose caps. While I’ve always enjoyed a nice hat, wearing anything on my head in 110+ degree weather makes me want to burst into tears. Besides, they don’t make hats like they used to. I’ll compromise, of course, and find a nice cotton or linen something-or-other. Accessorizing is next to Godliness and all that. Any suggestions are welcome.

Em found a little something at the local beauty supply, but it may be a few weeks before I can test drive it. Maybe by then my vanity can overcome the idea of wearing Paris Hilton fake-hair-on-a-headband. I don’t know.

I’ll think about that tomorrow.

Relax! You can’t screw up her hair. Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet. (Shelby, from Steel Magnolias)

14 thoughts on “I’m So Vain

  1. Holy moley! 50 stitches! Will you hair go back of that? Will there be a scar? You sure you're all right?

    Wigs come in fashionable cuts now, you should try one, although they are on the pricey side.

  2. Oohh…I'm so sorry! I hope you heal quickly. I know what you mean about the “hair” thing here in the south. I see a lot more hats now than ever. Maybe you will find something stylish.

  3. MundaneJane, I'll need a big scarf and tying lessons to go with it. I'm jonesin' for some hair products right now as well.

    I'll be fine, Pat, I promise. Right now it just looks terrible. If this weather ever breaks, I'm trying the fake hair. Does Dolly Parton still do wigs?

    Janie, let me know where you find hats. I might be able to turn this whole disaster into a fashion statement!

  4. how about a scarf with big ole outrageous dangly earring? scarf tying directions here, although i my hair would probably grow back in the time it took me to figure out such complicated directions. also, i've seen sweet little crocheted caps, done up with silky yarns. i'm betting you can pretty much carry off anything you decide to wear! just please don't wear the hat you have pictured – how does something like that stay on, anyway???

  5. Ah, Chris. I'm already working my Big Honkin' Earrings, and yes it does help. That hat up there is a scream and looks disturbingly like she's balancing a DayTimer up there. Is it crazyglued on? You have to wonder.

    I ran across some biker do-rags on Ebay today with wildy inappropriate sayings. Tempting.

  6. You're tuggin' my heartstrings with the Steel Magnolias quotes. I played Shelby in a local theater production last year.
    Is this a frontal-area shaving, side or back-of-head thing? I agree with the scarf idea, unless it could be hidden with a wide cloth headband of course.
    It is entirely too hot for much of a hat.

  7. Melanie, Steel Magnolias was on all weekend! Just so you know, I'm shorn here and there all over – no bangs, male-pattern bald spot crown, the left, the right, under here, on top there. It's mindboggling. When I show this to my stylist Tina, she'll go ballistic.

  8. Oh Girl, that sounds horrible! I know you can try on Dolly's wigs at Dollywood, but I don't think she has a line of wigs. If she did, I'd wear them everyday and I love my bob!

    I hope you're doing okay and that your hair grows back soon!!

  9. Oh Candace. Thanks for the sweet words!

    Virginia, that first link you sent is FABULOUS. I've already ordered a hat from there and am looking hard at those scarves. Thank you for this find!

  10. Monda, I'm missing you so I've begun reading your old blogs. I imagine teaching high school is keeping you busy. At least I hope that's why your not blogging.
    Hopefully your hair has grown back. If not, do what we do in New York, tie an Hermes scarf around your head, add some diamond ear rings and call it vogue.

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